


Let Go and Be Happy

by mggislife2789



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Complicated Relationships, F/M, Pregnancy, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-24
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2019-02-06 08:55:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12814044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mggislife2789/pseuds/mggislife2789
Summary: Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their original stories. This is only for fun. It's where my brain goes after the credits roll. No copyright intended. Better safe than sorry. ;)





	Let Go and Be Happy

A loud rattling gasp woke up the woman next to him - the one who deserved so much good, and didn’t get enough in return for her patience and understanding. “Spence, honey what’s wrong?” The alarm in her eyes shredded him. “What happened?”

A thin layer of sweat covered his body, dimly lit under the light of the moon streaming through the blinds. His heart was racing - her face still burned into the far reaches of his brain. Y/N didn’t deserve to have his first love’s face permanently affixed in his mind, but he couldn’t get her memory to leave him; he wasn’t even sure he wanted her to leave, and that of course, in turn, made him feel guilty. 

He loved Y/N.

Only six months into their relationship and he knew that he loved her, but Maeve was still on his mind. How could she not be when she was the first woman he’d ever loved? When the bullet entered her brain that fateful night, he was so sure she was going to be the only woman he ever loved - and then Y/N came along. “It’s nothing,” he said, feeling the lie like poison on his lips. 

His lover wasn’t a profiler, but it didn’t take one, nor a genius, to tell he was lying. Sleepily, she reached out for him, grasping his fingers in her own, hanging limply as she probed him again for answers. “Baby, you know you can always talk to me, right?” She asked. Her brow furrowed in concern, and she placed a soft kiss upon the back of his hand before he nodded, almost imperceptibly, and headed toward the door.

“I know, love,” he replied, his eyes softening as he spoke. “I’ve just had a lot on my mind with cases and things. I don’t want to way you down with all that. I’m just gonna go sleep on the couch.” 

She laid her head back down on the pillow. “Okay, honey. We can talk about it tomorrow, but I need you to know that you can always come to me.”

With another small nod, he headed out to the couch, to toss and turn for another few hours until mercifully, he fell asleep, his mind blank - a fact for which he wasn’t sure whether to be grateful or sad.

The next morning, Y/N got up at her usual time, saddened by the worn look on Spencer’s face; he really hadn’t had a good night. She wanted to talk; they needed to, but it could wait until he had a restful few hours. 

While he slept, she made some pancakes, leaving enough for them both to have breakfast and a few extras to grab in a pinch. A little bit of laundry, a mountain of dishes, and some brewed coffee later, and Spencer finally started to stir. The sweet smell of coffee could always rouse him from sleep. “Morning, honey,” she whispered as she bent down to hand him a mug of steaming hot coffee and place a kiss on his forehead. 

Spencer pursed his lips, grateful for the drink and the understanding the woman he loved. “I’m sorry I tossed and turned so much.” She seemed a bit tired herself, and he couldn’t help but blame himself for that too. “Had a bad few days at work.”

“Look,” she said. She placed her own mug of coffee on the table next to the couch and sat by his side. “I don’t want to pry. And you may be a genius, but it doesn’t take one to know you’ve been hurting lately.” Leaning her head against his shoulder, she continued. “And I can normally tell when a case is bothering you. I don’t think that’s what’s weighing on you lately.”

He swallowed hard, desperately wanting to spill out everything he’d been feeling, but unable to get the words out. Quickly, he tried to choke back the lump in his throat - every time it seemed to go away, it returned just as quickly, damning the words in his throat. Of course, Y/N noticed. “It’s Maeve, isn’t it?”

She’d been told shortly into their relationship that Maeve was the first woman he’d ever loved, and she’d been taken away in the blink of an eye. When he nodded, Y/N pressed a kiss to his temple. “Tell me about her. Tell me what you’ve been thinking. Please,” she asked with quiet desperation. “You can’t keep this all to yourself. You’ll explode. I love you. I can handle it.”

Tears burned at the corners of his eyes and it took him a few minutes to compose himself enough to speak. “So I told you that we only met briefly, the night she was killed?” 

Y/N nodded. He’d told her that they’d fallen in love over the phone. Knowing Spencer, it wasn’t hard to imagine - mind over body. “And then she died, and I thought my life was over. I’d never felt that kind of love before, and I assumed I never would again. Then I met you.” A small smile formed on his face. He grabbed her hand and gave it a sharp squeeze. “I was so sure I’d never have that again.”

The words were spoken so softly that Y/N barely heard them, but the look on his face told her what she’d thought for a while - while he wasn’t still in love with Maeve, she still weighed very heavily on his mind, and he felt guilty because of it. “She still shows up in my dreams. I love you, and when she shows up to me, I feel guilty because…she was the first. And we never got the chance to really know each other, but then I feel awful because I shouldn’t still want that. I love you. It’s just-”

“Shh…Spence, it’s okay.” Cradling his head in her hands, she wiped the tears away with the pads of her thumbs. “It’s completely natural for you to feel the way you do.”

“You aren’t mad that I still think of her?” God, he was so guilt-ridden. It burned her.

Y/N kissed his forehead. “No, I’m not. If she had lived, and you’d broken up, and we were together and you still thought of her, then I would probably be offended, but…these circumstances are so out of the realm of normal that I can’t hold you to the same standards. You were robbed of the chance to get to know her and sometimes the most powerful forms of love are the ones that don’t involve sex. You loved her for who she truly was first and foremost.” He quietly sobbed against her shoulder as she spoke. “It’s completely natural for you to still think of her. It’s when that gets in the way of you loving me that it’s a problem, and I don’t think it’s done that. Do you?”

She was asking if he truly loved her.

“No, I don’t think it’s gotten in the way. I love you so much. Just as much as I loved her, if not more…which then makes me feel guilty, because I feel like I’m betraying her.” 

Lifting his head to meet her gaze, she chuckled softly. “You need to let go of the guilt. You have nothing to be guilty for - in regards to her or me. If she shows up in your dreams again, I want you to talk to her. Don’t push her away. I think if you confront her memory, it’ll help you to let go.”

He reached his hand up to graze her cheek and pressed a soft kiss to her lips, tasting the salt of his own tears.

When he opened his eyes, they fell on her face. Soft brown locks framing rosy cheeks and a perfect smile. Despite seeing her for only a few minutes, her visage was bright in his mind. “Spencer?”

He’d been so afraid to talk to her before. But Y/N’s voice rang through his ears, so he reached out to grab her hand. “Sorry, I guess I’m just off in thought.”

“You think I can’t see that?” She laughed softly. “I know you, Spence. I need you to know that it’s okay.”

It wasn’t exactly what he expected to hear her say. Did she know why he was here? Why he finally decided to speak to her? “What do you mean?”

“Y/N. She’s perfect.”

Spencer smiled softly, picturing the plains of her face and shade of her eyes. 

“Do you love her?”

He nodded.

“It’s true, we didn’t get the time we deserved together, but I want you to be happy. I want you to live the life you’re entitled to, and I Y/N is the one.”

“You think she’s the one for me?” He asked. “The one?”

“I believe there are many ones. Don’t you?”

Again, he nodded.

“I was one, I’d like to think,” she laughed. “But she is too. She loves you so much. She’s beautiful, funny, intelligent - she keeps you grounded. Please, let go of the guilt you feel. I know you did all you could to save me. It just wasn’t meant to be. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to see you happy.” He squeezed her hands as the tears formed once more. “Let go and be happy.”

When he looked up to meet her eyes again, she smiled and wiped away his tears. Her touch felt so real, but unlike before, when the thought of Maeve’s touch brought so much guilt, in actuality, it lifted the guilt away.

And then she vanished.

Nearly two months had passed since Maeve had told him to let go, and while it wasn’t immediate, the weight vanished. No longer did he wake up with nightmares. No longer was he guilt-ridden over what he couldn’t control. No longer was he giving pieces of himself to Y/N - he was able to give her his whole heart. 

When he walked in the door after work that day, he saw her crying and his heart sunk. “What’s wrong?” There was nothing he hated more than watching the woman he loved cry. 

“Nothing,” she said, as she choked back a sob. 

He grabbed her by the arms and asked again. “You’re crying. It can’t be nothing.”

Slowly, he watched as she reached into her back pocket and brought out a stick. There was a little plus sign on it. “You’re pregnant?”

Y/N smiled through the sobs and Spencer wrapped his arms around her. “I’m gonna be a dad?”

“Yes,” she cried.

For a few moments, the two stood in bliss, unable to truly believe that what was happening was actually happening. “If it’s a boy, can we name him Spencer Jr.?” She asked. She’d always wanted a mini-Spencer running around.

Of course, he nodded. He couldn’t believe he was finally going to be a father after all this time. “If it’s a girl, maybe we could name her Athena? I’ve always wanted to name my daughter Athena,” Spencer said, realizing that the name wasn’t necessarily a common one for little girls.

“Oh, I think I like that.” She leaned up and kissed him, her eyes softening as she continued. “Maybe her middle name can be Maeve?” 

His lip quivered at the thought. Both of the women he loved and had loved reflected in another human being. “Athena Maeve Reid,” he said softly. “I think I love that.”


End file.
